


Challenging Decisions

by Zenece



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5033296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenece/pseuds/Zenece
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Janeway still thinks about Mark, but finds herself thinking of B'Elanna as well...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Challenging Decisions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mosaic21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mosaic21/gifts), [gloriousunderstanding](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloriousunderstanding/gifts).



> This work is a sequel to Shifting Loyalties (http://archiveofourown.org/works/3839467)

“Unless we hit the deuterium jackpot tomorrow, we need to drastically lower our energy consumption.” B’Elanna Torres finished her status report. She looked around the table in the briefing room and saw her worries reflected in the faces of her colleagues. 

Chakotay leaned forward. “What do you propose?” 

The half-Klingon Engineer shrugged. “Put the ship in gray mode. Shut down non-essentials: warp drive, weapons, shields, …”

“That would be inadvisable.” Tuvok interjected. “With several Kazon sects at war for dominion over this region of space, I would recommend to remain on tactical alert. That would require both shields and weapons to be operational.” 

“I think we should jump to warp and see where we end up.” Tom spoke. “We still haven’t found any indication of deuterium in this sector. We should try our luck elsewhere.” 

Harry nodded in confirmation. “Even if we did find deuterium here, the Kazon would attack us immediately if we tried to stop and collect it.” 

B’Elanna shook her head. “High warp is out of the question. We’d go through our deuterium supply in less than a day.” She grabbed the PADD in front of her and did some quick calculations. “I can give you warp three for a couple of hours at maximum. That should allow us to reach the next sector.” She looked at her PADD and frowned, thinking her figures were quite optimistic. “But then we would have to shut down shields and weapons for sure, on top of life support on most decks, replicators, sonic showers…” She shook her head. “And if there’s no deuterium wherever we end up…” 

The room was silent for a moment, as everyone thought about the implications of their situation. If they didn’t find deuterium soon, their journey would turn into a grim struggle for survival. 

For the first time in the meeting, Captain Janeway spoke up, trying to hide the weariness in her voice.  
“I want each department head to come up with a plan to save as much energy as possible for the ship’s systems which are their responsibility.” 

She looked at Chakotay. “Commander, please set up a schedule for reorganizing the crew’s living quarters in order to minimize the parts of the ship that need life support. Set up rotations for sonic showers and restrooms as well.” 

Then she turned to Voyager’s resident Talaxian. “Mister Neelix, see to it that we make use of natural resources for food as much as possible. Start distributing emergency rations. We need to limit the use of the replicator system as much as possible.” 

She addressed Tom and Harry. “Gentlemen, I don’t have to tell you again that finding a source of deuterium is our top priority right now. Keep looking for it.” She gestured at B’Elanna. “I’m sure in the mean time Lieutenant Torres will do everything she can to get us there.”

Everyone remained silent as the Captain looked around the table. “Every joule of energy we can save, keeps us up and running a little longer and increases our chances of finding deuterium. Keep that in mind.” She took a deep breath. “Dismissed.”

 

~ 

B’Elanna rubbed her face with her hands and sighed. She tried to get comfortable in her makeshift bed and focused on her PADD again while she nibbled on a tasteless emergency ration bar. 

In light of saving energy, decks four through nine had been evacuated and the crew was now bunking together in the remaining functional parts of the ship. B’Elanna had chosen a spot close to Engineering and shared her provisional quarters with Susan Nicoletti and Fred Ayala. 

Although the numbers on the PADD she was holding were dancing a little in front of her eyes, she kept working, trying to figure out a way to save as much energy as possible. It seemed like a futile exercise. She adjusted parameters and tweaked estimates, but every time she crunched the numbers, the outcome was the same. They could keep the ship operational for only a couple of days longer at most. 

They needed deuterium, the sooner the better. 

The irony was that deuterium could in fact be found all around them. But the concentrations were so low that the purifying process required more energy than they could actually get from the resulting pure deuterium. So they needed to find denser concentrations of the hydrogen isotope. A nebula was probably their best shot. A T-class gas giant might also do the trick.

Together with Harry and Tom, B’Elanna had worked on expanding the long range sensors, but the resolution was not great at long distances.  
Based on the data they’d been able to gather, the Captain had decided to make a slight course adjustment so that they could get closer to what might be either a source of deuterium or just a sensor echo. B’Elanna estimated that in about two hours they would be close enough to determine which of the two it was: salvation or bitter disappointment. 

In the meantime, all they could do was wait.  
The half-Klingon stifled another yawn and felt her eyelids droop.  
A couple of minutes later, with the PADD full of calculations still in her hand, B’Elanna finally lost the battle with sleep. 

~ 

In her dimly lit Ready Room, Kathryn Janeway wearily leaned back in her chair and turned away from the sensor readings on the display on her desk. The screen showed a planetary system which contained a nebula rich with deuterium. Unfortunately, it also displayed dozens of Kazon Nistrim and Kazon Ogla warships that were fighting for dominion over the region between them and the nebula.

Janeway rubbed her right temple as she weighed the pros and cons of their options. If they engaged the Kazon to get the deuterium, they would most likely end up in even worse shape than before. Yet if they left, there were no guarantees that they’d find another source of deuterium within their reach.  
It was a veritable catch-22. 

Kathryn sighed. On a purely intellectual level, Mark would’ve loved this situation, she mused. As a philosopher, her fiancé had always been tickled by paradoxes and seemingly insoluble problems. He loved to dissect and analyze situations, always in awe of their complexity and intricacy. They’d spent countless nights talking, debating, sometimes even arguing about some conundrum that he’d casually work into the conversation. 

It had become their own private little game. Mark liked it for the sheer process of trying to wrap his mind around a problem and fully grasping it. Yet, Kathryn, being a pragmatist, saw his efforts to comprehend a problem as a challenge to come up with unconventional solutions. She would go out of her way to bring up the most complicated approaches just within the realm of possibility, loving the way their game sharpened her ability to think outside the box. And then Mark, whose mind was capable of looking at a problem from different angles all at once, would concisely point out one little fact she hadn’t thought of which rendered her strategy utterly invalid. 

Yet every once in a while, her fiancé was forced to admit that she had come up with something beyond reproach.  
Then he would squint and tilt his head a little, rubbing his chin for a few minutes as he tried to find an argument against her proposal.  
“You know…” he’d finally say with a grin, “I think I’ll give you this one. Just this once…” 

Then Kathryn would playfully swat him. “Just admit that I’m right.” She’d taunt him. “Just admit that I’m the best…”  
In their game, it was always the playing that mattered, never who won. And so Mark would take her in his arms and look at her with so much love that she could physically feel its warmth enveloping her. “You are the best…” He’d whisper in admiration. “The very best.”  
And she would kiss him, forgetting their game and everything else in the universe.

The sound of the door chime abruptly tore Janeway away from her cherished memories. Although her stomach clenched at the harsh recall to the bitter reality, her answer came automatically.  
“Come in.” 

B’Elanna strode in her Ready Room, waving a PADD around.  
“I think I can get us the deuterium without having to fight the Kazon.” She spoke excitedly. 

The memories of Mark still lingered in her thoughts and Kathryn forced herself to focus on the business at hand.  
“How?” 

“With this.” B’Elanna put the PADD in front of her superior officer. 

Janeway picked it up and redirected her gaze to the proffered schematics. It took her a couple of seconds to figure out what she was looking at.  
“A cloaking device?” She frowned. 

“I can build one.” B’Elanna stated with youthful arrogance. 

The Captain merely responded by raising both her eyebrows. 

“This is a Cardassian design I’ve… obtained… during my time in the Maquis.” The half-Klingon started to explain, purposefully being vague about the way she’d come into possession of the schematics. She was quite sure the Captain wouldn’t approve on the fact that she’d stolen them during a raid.  
“I tried to actually build the device,” she continued, “but I could never get my hands on a phase-modulator with the required dispersive capacity to scatter neutrinos.” 

The half-Klingon paused and her eyes sparkled. “Guess what I traded for a few optronic relays on the Rakhan station a couple of weeks ago though. That merchant didn’t have a clue about the real value of what he was selling…”

Feeling her mood darken, Janeway sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I suppose our circumstances force me to overlook the fact that Starfleet signed the Treaty of Algeron a couple of decades ago which strictly forbids the development and the use of cloaking technology. Not to mention that I’d rather not know the details about how you got your hands on this information from the Cardassians in the first place.” She glared at the other woman, wondering if B’Elanna purposefully went out of her way to propose solutions that went against everything she stood for.

Her Chief Engineer had the decency to at least look a little bit guilty.

“And let’s not even bring up the fact that this technology hasn’t even been tested properly.” Janeway added, irritated that she was forced to consider this cowboy proposal because there were simply no other options available. 

“It will work.” B’Elanna spoke softly, confident about the technology and not really concerned about the politics or ethics involved. “I can install this on a shuttlecraft, fly through the Kazon occupied space undetected and get to the nebula to collect the deuterium we need.”

“Why a shuttle, why not Voyager?” Janeway inquired sharply. 

B’Elanna shook her head. “We don’t have enough power to cloak something the size of Voyager. Cloaking a shuttle will require considerably less energy.” 

“A shuttle’s Bussard collectors are much smaller. It will take two or three trips to gather enough deuterium.” The Captain calculated, not liking the incremental risk of multiple trips. 

“Three.” B’Elanna confirmed, hesitating a little before sharing another piece of information that she knew her Captain would not like to hear. “And there’s another thing: the cloak won’t work inside the nebula. So there will be a small window around the edge of the nebula when we’ll most likely be visible to other ships.” 

The angling of Janeway’s jaw clearly showed her disgruntlement with that small fact. She felt her already elevated stress levels rise to almost unprecedented heights.  
“Anything else I need to know about your… plan?” She asked tightly.

“No.” B’Elanna replied. “I can build the device and have the shuttle ready to go in less than two days.” 

Janeway got up and moved to the window, absentmindedly rubbing the taut muscles in her neck as she considered their options.  
Somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered what Mark would have to say about B’Elanna’s plan. Would he shoot it down with some argument they hadn’t thought of? Or would he come to the conclusion that this cowboy proposal was the best option indeed?

B’Elanna slightly tilted her head as she studied her superior officer weighing the pros and cons in her mind. Tension clearly radiated off Janeway’s uniform clad frame and B’Elanna inadvertently thought back to a couple of months ago when she had taken off that uniform and alleviated the other woman’s physical discomfort with her touch.  
Quietly, the half-Klingon moved to stand behind her Captain.

When Janeway felt a gentle hand on her shoulders, her mind perversely convinced her for a fraction of a second that it belonged to Mark. She was about to sigh and lean into the touch, finally feeling secure enough to let go when she realized the hand couldn’t belong to her fiancé, for he was seventy thousand lightyears away. 

The hand, she realized, was B’Elanna’s. Much smaller and more sinewy than Mark’s sturdy hands. 

She froze, the longing for Mark’s touch still lingering inside her. 

Strong fingers gently caressed her shoulder.  
“When was the last time you slept?” B’Elanna asked softly, guessing correctly that her Captain had forgone sleep in favor of trying to find a way out of their predicament. 

“I’m fine.” Came Janeway’s terse reply as she tried to resist the urge to shake off the hand together with the lingering memories of Mark.

B’Elanna allowed her concern for the other woman to surface. “You need to rest.” She spoke gently, wishing that the Captain would take her advice. She bit her lip, softening her voice to a more personal tone. “Please Kathryn…” 

Although her demeanor was controlled, Janeway’s eyes were stormy when she turned to face the half-Klingon. “Don’t presume to know what I need, Lieutenant.” 

The use of her formal title made B’Elanna wince and she stepped back. “I was just trying to help.” She uttered, taken aback by the near hostility in the Captain’s tone. 

Janeway’s eyes narrowed for a long second, noticing the hurt in B’Elanna’s brown eyes. Although she knew for a fact that the other woman was genuinely worried about her, she felt utterly unequipped to deal with it.  
“You can help by building that cloaking device and getting the deuterium.” She replied evenly. 

B’Elanna knew a dismissal when she heard one. “Yes Captain.” She nodded briefly before turning on her heels and exiting the Ready Room. 

When the door closed behind her Chief Engineer, Kathryn wearily sank down on the couch and eyed the photograph of her fiancé on the side table. A deep sigh escaped her lips as she traced the outline of his face, the cold and hard surface of the picture in stark contrast with her memory of the warmth and softness of Mark’s skin. 

Closing her eyes, Kathryn leaned back and let the memories envelop her like a warm, comforting blanket.

~

“Damn it!”

Harry Kim hissed as he pulled his hand back from the hot plasma conduit he’d accidentally touched. 

Behind him B’Elanna stifled a grin, as this was the third time her colleague had hurt himself in a similarly inane fashion in the last fifteen minutes.  
“You should take a break, Harry.” She advised gently. “Get some rest. I can finish without you.” 

The young man eyed her blearily, opening his mouth to protest. But when a large yawn escaped him instead, he grinned at the half-Klingon.  
“Maybe you’re right.” He shrugged, scratching his head. 

B’Elanna just smiled indulgently as he put the hyperspanner back in the toolkit and yawned once more.  
“Good night Harry.” 

As the young ensign exited the shuttle, B’Elanna redirected her focus to the task at hand. They’d been able to build the cloaking device and preliminary testing showed that it should work. Now they were installing it on the shuttle. Of course, the only way to know for sure if the device would really be able to cloak the shuttle would be to test it in space.  
B’Elanna was confident there would be no problems though. 

The sound of the shuttle bay doors opening and closing caught her attention and she raised one eyebrow in mock disapproval, expecting to see Harry again.

Her expression changed to a guarded frown when she saw the Captain entering the shuttle through the open loading bay.  
“Captain.” She greeted respectfully, mindful of Janeway’s disapproval of the use of her first name in her Ready Room the day before. 

“How’s it coming along?” The Captain asked businesslike, gesturing to the shuttle’s dismantled control panel. 

“Right on schedule.” B’Elanna replied succinctly. “I’m hooking up the cloaking device to the shuttle’s mainframe.” She tilted her head. “After that I want to run a couple of system diagnostics and then we should be good to go.” 

Janeway nodded briefly. Although she was eyeing the disarray of equipment with a mild frown, she seemed relatively satisfied with the answer.  
There was a slight pause before the Captain spoke again. “I ran into Ensign Kim on my way here. Shouldn’t he be assisting you?” 

B’Elanna shrugged as she turned back to her work. “I told him to get some rest.” She paused briefly as she focused on reconnecting the deflector control circuitry. “He could barely keep his eyes open.”

“I guess some people are better at taking good advice than others.” Came the soft reply. 

Looking up, B’Elanna noticed a trace of humor in her Captain’s eyes at her referral to her own inability to follow the same advice the half-Klingon had given her the day before.  
A small smile crept around the corners of B’Elanna’s mouth in response, and she was suddenly struck again by how much she cared about the other woman’s wellbeing. 

Janeway indicated the open circuitry Harry had been working on. “Do you need a hand?” 

B’Elanna looked up for a second, acknowledging Janeway’s attempt to restore their tentative connection after her cold attitude in the Ready Room.  
The half-Klingon nodded. “Sure. Harry was trying to increase the efficiency of the Bussard collectors.”

The Captain crouched down and surveyed what had already been done before continuing where Harry had left off.  
For a while, the two women worked together in a companionable silence.

“Could you hand me that hyperspanner please?” B’Elanna asked after a moment, pointing at the toolbox next to the Captain. 

Janeway turned to the kit and perused its contents before reaching for the requested tool and holding it out. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” B’Elanna extended her hand to grab it, yet somehow the hyperspanner slipped from her grip and clattered unceremoniously onto the floor of the shuttle.  
Grumbling at her own clumsiness, B’Elanna reached for it, just as Janeway did the same. Their hands touched in mid-air and for a moment both women froze at the contact. 

“Sorry.” B’Elanna mumbled, reaching down to grab the tool.  
She looked up when she felt a warm hand clasp her own. 

Janeway was staring at her with an expression that contained more emotion than the half-Klingon had ever seen from the other woman. Next to the tired weariness there was insecurity, vulnerability and guilt, but also desire and… longing, B’Elanna noted. She hadn’t seen that look in months, but instantly recognized it.

The wordless plea in Kathryn’s eyes could not have been more clear and B’Elanna felt her own eyes widen in response. Before consciously making the decision, she had already grabbed the other woman’s wrist, moving closer to Janeway in the same way Kathryn was gravitating towards her. 

Without preamble their hands started to remove the clothing that was in the way. B’Elanna pushed Kathryn against a console and the Captain moaned in appreciation as B’Elanna touched her bare flesh.

All the pent-up tension and stress started to slowly dissipate from the Captain’s exhausted body, chased away by B’Elanna’s skillful touch. Janeway forgot all about her worries when B’Elanna’s fingers entered her and her senses focused solely on her primal quest for pleasure.  
Her breathing became more labored and a guttural groan escaped her when teeth grazed over her nipple. That always did the trick. She loved to have her nipples played with during sex. “Yesss.” She hissed, encouraging her lover to continue. “Harder Mark.”

At the mention of Janeway’s fiancé’s name, B’Elanna’s head snapped up and her movements stilled. 

Kathryn threw her lover a confused look, her incoherent mind trying to find out what had caused the other woman to stop. Then, as her breathing slowed, she realized her mistake and closed her eyes. She exhaled heavily. 

B’Elanna bit her lip and sat back, while she started to rearrange her clothes. From the corner of her eye she saw Janeway do the same.  
For a moment the ghost of Mark loomed over them and neither woman was sure how to address it. 

Kathryn could clearly see the hurt on B’Elanna’s face, even though the half-Klingon was trying hard to hide it, and she wished she could just take it back.  
She hadn’t even been thinking about Mark. She hadn’t been thinking about anything at all. She’d been focused on her body, on the carnal pleasure she was experiencing, a welcome change in the last stressful months. The name of her fiancé had just slipped out, probably by force of habit.  
At the thought of Mark, suddenly guilt washed over her. He loved her so much and she was repaying him by letting someone else touch her.

“This was a mistake.” Kathryn ground out, feeling the need to get some distance between her and the woman who seemed to slip through her defenses like they weren’t there at all. 

The look on B’Elanna’s face hardened. “Clearly.” She scoffed. 

Janeway shook her head briefly, unwilling to get into an argument with the half-Klingon.  
“I better go.” She uttered, abruptly exiting the shuttle.

B’Elanna watched her back for a moment, and then cursed while she ran after the other woman. “Kathryn!” She grabbed the Captain’s hand, effectively stopping her. 

“Let go of me.” Janeway ground out, trying to shake off B’Elanna’s hand. 

But the half-Klingon held on. “Don’t run from me.” She spoke. “Please.” She added more softly, forcing the other woman to make eye contact.

Kathryn shook her head. “I can’t do this.” She whispered, holding B’Elanna’s gaze. “It’s not fair to Mark.” 

B’Elanna scoffed before she could think the better of it. “And what about you and me? How is it fair to either of us?” 

“I was going to marry him, B’Elanna.” Kathryn countered vehemently. 

“He’s seventy thousand lightyears away.” B’Elanna spoke exasperated. “He doesn’t even know you’re still alive! Who’s to say he hasn’t moved on already?” 

A look of pain crossed the Captain’s features and B’Elanna immediately regretted her words. When Kathryn looked up at the woman in front of her, there were tears gleaming in the corners of her eyes.  
“You’re right.” She whispered. “He probably does think I’m dead. And he probably will move on.” She shook her head as her voice grew louder. “But I’m not ready to let go of him.” 

“Yet you keep ending up sleeping with me.” B’Elanna jeered, well aware that her comment was below the belt. 

Kathryn blinked a few times, taking the verbal punch. She felt so utterly drained and her emotions were so raw from all the recent events piling up that she responded in the only way she was capable of at that moment. She hit back. Her words were almost careless when she spoke: “It was just sex, B’Elanna.” 

The half-Klingon felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her lungs as she stared at the other woman, surprised how much the words hurt.  
Something was broken between them now, and they both knew it. 

After a long moment, B’Elanna took a step back. “I wish I hadn’t already fallen in love with you.” She uttered softly, before turning around and heading back inside the shuttlecraft to finish her work on the cloaking device. 

The admission, spoken in all honesty, tore at Kathryn’s heart, but it wasn’t something she felt able to deal with yet. After a long moment, she quietly left the shuttle bay, tucking the words away to someplace safe until she could figure out a way to handle them. 

~

“What’s the status of the away team?”  
On the dimly lit Bridge, Janeway half turned to Harry Kim at OPS to hear his answer. 

“Nothing on sensors.” The young man responded. “I haven’t seen them decloak yet, so they must be still on route to the nebula.” 

Janeway nodded. “Notify me when they’ve reached it.” 

“Yes Ma’am.” Came the reply and Janeway focused back on the console next to her. 

B’Elanna and Tom were on route for the nebula for the third time in order to collect the final amount of deuterium. The two previous runs had succeeded according to plan. Each time, as they reached the edge of the nebula, the shuttle had decloaked. The cloaking field could not be maintained in denser gaseous environments, which meant that for a couple of seconds, they were visible for anyone who cared to look. 

Voyager was looking, of course. Both times, the shuttle had briefly appeared on the sensors, there for everyone to see, before the sensor readings had faded away as it entered the nebula. Similarly, when the shuttle came out of the nebula, faint sensor readings intensified until they abruptly disappeared as the cloak was switched on. 

Harry conducted another sensor sweep, mentally calculating that it would probably be another five minutes before the shuttle would reach the nebula and decloak. Satisfied with the readings he switched to another screen which was tracking Voyager’s power consumption, when he heard a shrill beep. A quick glance at the sensor data confirmed his suspicion.  
“The shuttle has decloaked but they haven’t reached the nebula yet.” Harry reported to the Captain, who’d already turned to him expectantly when the warning beep had sounded. 

“What happened?” She barked. 

Harry half-shook his head. “Don’t know Ma’am. But two Kazon vessels have noticed them as well. They’re changing their heading to intercept.” 

Janeway cursed under her breath. “Voyager to away team.” The comm line opened with a slight hiss of static. “Your cloak is down and there are two Kazon ships coming your way.” 

“We see them.” Tom replied. “B’Elanna’s reinitializing the phase-modulator. We don’t know what caused the cloak to fail.” 

“Tom, come about and head back to Voyager.” The Captain spoke. “We’ll try to provide some cover fire for the Kazon.” She gestured at Tuvok to redirect available power to the weapons array. 

“We’re so close to the nebula Captain.” B’Elanna interjected over the comm. “We should just fly in and try to repair the cloak while we collect the last of the deuterium.” 

“Negative B’Elanna.” Janeway replied. “Tom would be flying blind in the nebula and we don’t even know if you can fix the cloaking device in the first place.” 

“I can fix it.” B’Elanna’s reply sounded irritated over the comm.

“Even so,” Janeway stated firmly, “you are to break off the mission and get back to the ship.” 

Only silence met the Captain’s words and she cocked her head as she waited for a response.

“The comm line is still active.” Harry supplied helpfully. 

“The shuttle is maintaining its course toward the nebula.” Tuvok added, informing the Captain that the away team had received the message and was purposefully ignoring it.

“Tom, B’Elanna, I’m ordering you to turn the shuttle around. It’s too dangerous to continue without the cloak.” She spoke sharply. 

On Harry’s console, the signal of the shuttle started to fade away. The young man lifted his head. “They’ve entered the nebula…” 

~

“Would you care to explain to me exactly why you both decided to disobey a direct order?”  
Standing behind her desk in her Ready Room, the Captain glared at the two officers of her senior staff. Although she was glad that Tom and B’Elanna had managed to get back to the ship in one piece and with a cargo hold full of deuterium, she was less than pleased with the fact that they’d gone against her instructions to do so. 

“We were too close to the nebula to just give up and go back.” The half-Klingon started in her usual straightforward way. 

Janeway sighed. “You were alone in a shuttle in the middle of a Kazon dispute with a non-operational cloak.” She countered tersely. “The sane thing would have been to follow orders and turn around to try again later.” 

B’Elanna scoffed. “It would have taken way too long. In our opinion the best option was to continue on our course and hide in the nebula while we fixed the cloak.” She argued. Next to her Tom lightly grabbed her forearm to stop her from antagonizing the Captain any further.

Janeway eyed the half-Klingon in front of her. “And what would’ve happened if you couldn’t fix the cloak?”

Shaking off Tom’s hand, B’Elanna took a step forward and angled her head. “Are you questioning my technical skills?” She all but growled at the Captain.

Janeway shook her head and leaned forward on her desk. “I’m just pointing out that you just as well could’ve ended up trapped in that nebula.” 

“It was a calculated risk.” B’Elanna countered and narrowed her eyes. “Sometimes you have to take a chance in order to get what you want or you end up with nothing at all.”  
She stared pointedly at the woman in front of her, making it very clear to Kathryn that she wasn’t only talking about the away mission.

The double entendre of the statement was not lost on the Captain and she looked at the other woman for a few long seconds.  
“That may be so,” Janeway conceded after a beat had passed, “but it was not your decision to make.”

When B’Elanna opened her mouth to argue, Tom chimed in. “We’re sorry we disobeyed your orders, Captain.”  
There was obviously something else going on between the two women, but whatever it was, Tom was pretty sure he didn’t want to be in the middle of it. 

For a moment Janeway looked at him as if she’d completely forgotten he was in the room. Then she scraped her throat and straightened her back. “I will put this in both your official records.” She stated businesslike. “As for unofficial punishment: limited replicator rations and no Holodeck privileges for a month.”  
She eyed them both forcefully and purposely ignored the rolling of B’Elanna’s eyes. “Dismissed.”

~

Kathryn Janeway sank down in the scented water of her tub and felt the warmth envelop her, seep through her skin, through her muscles and eventually settle into her bones.  
With the energy crisis of the last couple of months finally resolved, she felt the small indulgence was much deserved. 

The scent of cherry blossom filled her nostrils and she closed her eyes, her mind effortlessly providing her with the memories of a picnic with Mark at Nashgate park, underneath a blossoming cherry tree, right before she’d taken command of Voyager.

It was a sunny day in early spring. Mark was reclining against the tree, while Kathryn leaned comfortably against his chest, wrapped in his strong arms. Although the sun was out, there was still a nip in the air, and Kathryn nestled deeper into Mark’s embrace to ward off the chilly air. A couple of meters away from them, Mollie was trying to catch a butterfly and Kathryn felt Mark’s chest move as he chuckled at the dog’s antics. 

Mark nuzzled Kathryn’s auburn hair and pressed a small kiss on her head. “When are you leaving for McKinley station?” 

“Mmm.” Kathryn murmured, turning her head to nuzzling against Mark’s chest. “I don’t want to think about that yet. I just want to enjoy being here with you.”

Mark chuckled. “You know, I think you won’t miss me one bit on this mission of yours.” He winked when Kathryn indignantly looked up at him. “I see your eyes twinkle every time you look at Voyager’s blueprints.” He teased. “You’re head over heels…” 

Kathryn playfully swatted him but then looked at him with a serious expression. “You know perfectly well I will miss you terribly every second I’m gone.” 

With a knowing smile, Mark placed a kiss on her forehead and wrapped his arms around her again. They sat quietly for a moment, watching Mollie sniffing around some bushes. 

“I’ll miss her almost as much as you…” Kathryn whispered softly and she felt Mark’s soothing embrace tighten a little. “Promise me you’ll take good care of her?” 

Mark let out a deep sigh, pretending to sulk. “Do I really need to feed her every day?” 

Kathryn knew for a fact that he adored Mollie, but just enjoyed acting as if she was a pain in the ass just because she had ruined his favorite slippers once. So she sat up and smiled sweetly at him. “Whatever you feel is right, dear. I’m sure she’ll find something to chew on if she gets too hungry…” 

A grin broke through on Mark’s face and he held up his hands. “Alright, you win. I’ll treat her like a queen… but only if…” He paused, reaching down to fish something out of his pocket. 

Kathryn couldn’t see what it was and looked at him curiously. “Only if what?” She asked.

“Only if you do something for me.” Mark replied with an unreadable look on his face. 

Kathryn frowned, but before she could ask more, Mark grabbed her hand and placed something in the palm of her hand before closing her fingers around it. 

“I want you to hold on to this for me.” He spoke seriously. 

Opening her hand, Kathryn looked down and found herself staring at a ring. Her head snapped up. “Mark.” She breathed. 

“You don’t have to answer me right now.” Her boyfriend –or future husband?- spoke, seeming uncharacteristically insecure. “Just, keep it with you, try it on. See if you might like the idea of wearing it forever.” 

Kathryn swallowed and bit her lip as she gazed back at the ring. Slowly, she grabbed it and looked at the simple band for a moment. Then she gradually slipped it over her finger until it settled at the end. She worried for a moment that it would constrain her, but she had to admit it felt really good to have it there. 

“Yes.” She spoke in a rough voice as she looked her fiancé in the eye. “I will marry you, Mark Johnson.” 

Mark cupped her face in his hands and smiled at her. “You will never know how much I love you Kath.” He kissed her delicately and Kathryn felt her toes curl. 

Yet when Mollie’s warm, wet tongue slobbered affectionately all over their faces a second later, the moment was quickly gone. With a surprised look, Mark veered back to wipe the dog’s drool off his face as giddy laughter overtook Kathryn. She wrapped an arm around her dog and grinned. “I guess the question is not whether or not I’ll marry you, but rather if you’ll still want to marry me after spending a couple of weeks with my dog.” 

Mark looked dubiously from Kathryn to Mollie. “Maybe you should ask me if I’m still up for it when you come back.” He grinned, his eyes filled with mirth. 

When she came back… IF she came back…  
Mark had had no idea it might take her a lifetime to get home.

In her tub in her quarters on Voyager, Kathryn exhaled heavily as her mind returned to the present.

“Oh Mark…” She sighed, once again acutely aware of how happy she’d been with him. Would he really think she was dead? If he didn’t already, he probably would soon. Voyager had disappeared without a trace in the Badlands over a year ago. And Mark had no reason to believe she was still alive, albeit seventy thousand light years away.

He wouldn’t immediately give up, of that Kathryn was sure. But there would come a time where he would face reality and move on. Had that time already come? Kathryn wondered. Maybe the man that she still loved had come to terms with her disappearance by now. Maybe he had found happiness with someone else… 

Though the thought made her feel queasy, Kathryn realized that Mark had no reason to wait for her. And therefore she couldn’t blame him if he moved on.  
A small voice in her head pointed out that maybe B’Elanna was right…  
Kathryn submerged herself under water in an effort to drown out the voice, not ready to face that possibility.

~

With the warp drive fully functional again, Voyager had finally been able to clear Kazon occupied space. The constant threat of attack in the previous months had weighed heavily on the crew, so when the first opportunity for some shore leave presented itself, the Captain had not hesitated to halt their journey and offer the crew a well-deserved break.

A couple of away teams had performed a coordinated reconnaissance mission on the uninhabited L-class planet. One of the teams had inadvertently shot a wild boar and Tom Paris, being short on replicator rations, had deemed this a perfect opportunity to organize a barbecue for the whole ship. The invitation had been welcomed with a round of applause and shipwide cheering and even Tuvok had expressed in a very un-Vulcan manner that he looked forward to the event. 

Tom and Neelix had found a stunningly perfect beach and had promptly turned it into a festive setting with lights and indigenous flowers decorating the tables. 

The party was in full swing by now, the food mostly eaten and the setting sun gradually made way for a darkening sky marred with stars. An impromptu bonfire cast a warm and inviting glow over the beach. Harry Kim and his buddies had brought out their instruments and their jazzy tunes filled the warm air. People were dancing, relaxing and having a good time. 

B’Elanna and Susan Nicoletti were one of the last ones that were still eating as they’d been stuck in Engineering a bit longer than the rest of the crew.  
Fred Ayala made his way over to them.  
“There you are!” He smiled at Susan, then he grinned at B’Elanna. “I thought you were gonna keep her in there forever LT.” 

B’Elanna smiled back, aware of the budding relationship between the two of them. “She’s all yours now Fred.”

Ayala threw her a sloppy salute, then turned to Susan and did a miserable attempt at a curtsey, which caused both women to laugh. “May I have this dance?” 

As her companion was whisked away to the dance floor, B’Elanna remained behind. She watched them go off and felt a flash of longing inside. How she wished that she could just grab Kathryn by the hand and dance the night away with her. But that seemed unlikely to happen anytime soon, as Kathryn was clearly not ready to let go of her fiancé in the Alpha Quadrant yet… And B’Elanna was seriously beginning to wonder if she ever would be. 

Although B’Elanna often displayed a similarly fierce loyalty to the people she liked and loved, she occasionally also knew when to quit, a trait Kathryn didn’t seem to share.  
She cast a pensive glance in the direction of her superior officer who was talking to Chakotay and Kes. As if she sensed someone was looking at her, Kathryn turned her head in B’Elanna’s direction, but when their eyes met, she quickly looked away. 

The half-Klingon bit her lip. Suddenly she wasn’t in the mood to party anymore. With a sigh, she got up and walked away from the festivities, instead opting for the quiet darkness to be her companion.

~

From the corner of her eye, Kathryn noticed B’Elanna walking away from the party and into the bushes starting a bit further along the beach. At first she did nothing, but then on a whim she mumbled some kind of apology to Chakotay and Kes and inconspicuously wandered off in the same direction B’Elanna had taken off. 

Away from the lights of the party, the darkness seemed inky at first, as if it would envelop her and swallow her whole. But then, as she took a few steps into the bushes, her eyes adapted and she could make out silhouettes of trees in the night rather easily. 

She stepped further into between the trees, hearing some small rustling sounds up ahead which indicated B’Elanna’s presence. She didn’t call out to the woman, didn’t want her to know that she was following her. She was trailing her because she was curious, and maybe also a bit concerned, neither of which she wanted to admit to anyone, least of all B’Elanna.

Ahead of her, the bushes made way for the beach again and a starry night-sky hung over the rolling waves of the water. Near the waterline, Kathryn could make out B’Elanna’s form sitting on the sand.

She appeared to be huddled over something and Kathryn drew closer, still remaining in the shadow of the trees to see what she was doing. She could hear a sound over the crashing waves and wondered for a moment if B’Elanna was singing. 

Then she froze as she realized what she was looking at. B’Elanna was sitting on the beach, her arms wrapped around herself as she sobbed heartbreakingly.

Kathryn’s eyes turned wide in alarm and she was still wondering what to do when a rustling sound could be heard behind her, as if someone –or something– was running in her direction. Before she could turn around, it impacted against her and knocked her to the ground. And then the darkness did swallow her whole.

~

When Janeway opened her eyes, she felt like she’d been hit by a shuttle. 

“What happened?” She croaked as the Doctor hovered over her with a tricorder. 

The EMH frowned slightly as he closed the scanning device. “You were attacked by a wild boar on the planet.” He stated. “Luckily Lieutenant Torres was carrying a phaser or we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation.” 

Recalling the moments before she was attacked, Kathryn cast the Doctor a worried frown. “Is B’Elanna alright?” She craned her neck to look around Sickbay, looking for the other woman.

The Doctor nodded once. “She’s fine. A few scrapes and bruises. I sent her to her quarters to rest.” 

Kathryn exhaled, relieved that the other woman was okay. 

“You, however, will have to remain in Sickbay a little longer.” The Doctor continued. “The impact you suffered to your spinal cord was quite severe and I want to make sure all your neurological functions are still intact. I’ll have to run some tests to determine if there is any damage I need to repair.” 

As the Doctor moved to his diagnostic console, Kathryn stared at the ceiling, deep in thought. The memory of what she had witnessed right before the attack came back to her mind and the feelings that had surfaced at that moment were still tangible. 

It had been shocking to see B’Elanna crying. Usually the woman had her heart on her sleeve and her emotions were there for anyone to see. Kathryn had seen her anger, her annoyance and her joy on many occasions. She’d even seen her passion and her desire. But she’d never seen this kind of sorrow displayed by the other woman and couldn’t help but wonder if it had been because of her. 

The doors to Sickbay opened and Kathryn craned her neck to see who was entering. When she saw Chakotay enter, she was surprised to feel a flash of disappointment because it wasn’t B’Elanna. 

A broad smile appeared on the face of her second in command as he approached the biobed. “You’re awake.” He spoke. “How are you feeling?” 

“Like I got hit by a shuttle… or rather a wild boar.” Janeway replied. 

Chakotay grinned. “I see the Doctor already filled you in on what happened.” He lightly touched her shoulder. “At least you look better than the boar.”

“Before or after B’Elanna shot it?” Janeway deadpanned. 

Chakotay chuckled and looked at the Doctor. “Do you want to answer that one?” 

“Well, medically speaking I think you win that contest hands down.” The EMH tapped his console. “I don’t think there is any permanent damage, but I would like to start with some physical therapy to stimulate the healing process.” 

“I’ll leave you to it.” Chakotay spoke, squeezing his superior officer’s arm. “Take all the time you need to get better. I’ll hold down the fort for you.” 

~

Still favoring her left side, Kathryn walked down the corridor, on her way to B’Elanna’s quarters. During her stay in Sickbay, she hadn’t seen the other woman once, but she’d been on her mind surprisingly often. 

Kathryn pressed the door chime and carefully stepped into the room as B’Elanna granted her request for entrance.  
The younger woman was seated on the couch, reading a PADD. 

Kathryn took a few steps into the room. “I haven’t had the chance to thank you for saving my life.”

Her words were met by a short nod of B’Elanna’s head. 

“Are you alright?” Janeway asked, concern clearly audible in her voice.

B’Elanna shrugged. “Just a few scrapes and bruises. I’m fine.”

Kathryn tilted her head. “No, I mean are you alright?” She repeated. “I’ve never seen you cry before…” She added more softly, thinking back to when she’d seen the other woman sob on the beach. 

B’Elanna’s expression hardened a bit as the atmosphere in the room shifted. “What do you care?” She spoke guardedly. 

Kathryn eyed the other woman for a moment, her gaze softening. “I care about you, B’Elanna.” She murmured. “You know that.” 

A flicker of hope crossed the half-Klingon’s features at those words. She wanted to give in for a moment, but then exhaled heavily. “I can’t do this Kathryn.” She closed her eyes. “I can’t let you in when I know you’d rather be with Mark.” 

Kathryn bit her lip. “I still think about Mark, but find myself thinking of you as well, B’Elanna.” She confessed. “More often than I’d care to admit.”

B’Elanna looked up, weighing the truth of those words when Kathryn suddenly exhaled heavily and hobbled to the window, staring out into space.  
“You touch something inside me,” she whispered, “and it confuses me.” She shook her head, as she continued her confession. “You make me question things that I’ve always taken for granted. Things I’m not sure I even want to question. You challenge everything I am, everything I stand for: Starfleet policies, my command decisions, my beliefs, my feelings. You just blaze in and turn everything upside down. And for some reason I keep coming back for more.”

Kathryn didn’t notice that B’Elanna had gotten up from the couch and moved to stand behind her. She had her eyes closed as she continued softly.  
“If I let you in, I’m afraid it means that I’ve given up on getting home. I’m scared of my feelings for you because I might discover that they run deeper than my feelings for Mark…” 

Kathryn turned around and found herself standing eye to eye with the half-Klingon. Her breath caught in her throat. “You terrify me and intrigue me at the same time.” She whispered, casting her eyes down to her fidgeting hands. 

Slowly, B’Elanna reached out and took the other woman’s hands in her own. “It’s alright.” She murmured. 

At the touch, Kathryn felt her jangled nerves calm down and she looked up as B’Elanna brought up their hands, suddenly realizing this woman always had this soothing effect on her. 

“It’s safe to let me in.” B’Elanna said softly, before softly placing a kiss on Kathryn’s knuckles. 

Kathryn exhaled, feeling how true the words were. If nothing else, B’Elanna made her feel safe. She moved her hands slowly to the face in front of her, hesitantly trailing her fingers over B’Elanna’s face.  
Their gazes locked, and Kathryn felt like she could drown in the other woman’s eyes. She lightly caressed the half-Klingon’s cheeks, traced the lines on her forehead. Her own head moved closer and angled slightly to the right, unable to hold back. For a moment their breath intermingled and then Kathryn softly kissed the woman in front of her as she tangled her fingers in the half-Klingon’s hair. 

With equal softness, B’Elanna kissed her back, letting Kathryn set the pace.  
Their kiss was slow and tender as they explored the intimacy of the gesture. Kathryn pulled back and held B’Elanna’s face in her hands, wordlessly looking at the woman in front of her. Then she closed the distance again, this time kissing her with more fervor. 

B’Elanna eagerly reciprocated, before she pulled back. “Wait.” 

Kathryn threw her a puzzled look, but then smiled as B’Elanna reached behind her head and undid the clip that held her hair together. When it flowed freely over her shoulders, and B’Elanna looked at her with pure lust, she suddenly felt like they were alone in the universe. Without a doubt in her mind, Kathryn took B’Elanna’s outstretched hand and followed her into the bedroom. 

~

Kathryn sat pensively behind her desk in her quarters, an empty PADD in front of her. She stared at it with unseeing eyes her mind thousands of lightyears away.  
After a few long moments, she picked up the PADD and started to write.

_Dear Mark,_

_Maybe you will never read this letter, but I need to write it because there’s something I want you to know, something I want you to understand._

_I love you. And I’ve missed you terribly over the last year and a half.  
In ordinary circumstances, I would’ve married you and happily would’ve spent the rest of my life with you and Mollie. Of that I’m sure. _

_But fate decided otherwise.  
Through some phenomenon, I found myself lost, far away from my home, from you, from the life I was supposed to lead. It wasn’t easy to keep up hope, knowing it might take us years to get home. I still have hope that I will one day see Earth again. But I also know things will be different. Only a year and half has passed and yet a lot has changed during that time. _

_I’ve changed._  
I could say that it’s all because of our unique circumstances, but that wouldn’t be the entire truth.  
I fell in love, Mark. I wasn’t looking for it, even fought it for a long time. But it happened nonetheless. 

_I think you’d like her actually. I didn’t at the beginning. I found her too brazen, too reckless, too undisciplined. We bumped heads more than once. She challenged me on everything. It took a while for us to develop a work-based rapport. But she’s a brilliant engineer and if nothing else, I came to respect her for that. I saw glimpses of her kindness and thoughtfulness now and then as time moved on. And I learned that her Klingon blood also makes her a warm and passionate woman who cares deeply about things._

_When she first showed me she cared about me, I took advantage of that. I let her ease some of my pain and worries without giving anything in return. I told her that my heart belonged to you. But she kept caring. And at the same time, true to her nature, she kept challenging me. I felt exposed in her presence because she touched me as though my defenses weren’t even there. Yet somehow I always felt safe with her. It was terrifying and exhilarating to be around her._

_I had a hard time accepting my feelings for her because I didn’t want to let go of you. I thought that if I’d let myself love her, it would demean my love for you. She challenged me to discover that it was in fact the opposite. Because of her, when I think of you now, there is no longer any regret or pain for being so far away from you. There is only love and the knowledge that in another life you would have been my ‘happily ever after’._

_My heart belongs to her now, in this life. And together we are creating our own ‘happily ever after’ while we find our way back to Earth. When we get there, I will be overjoyed to see you again and to introduce you to B’Elanna._

_Until then, our journey continues. And I wish you well on yours._

_Love,  
Kathryn_

Kathryn leaned back in her chair, rereading the letter.

A soft knock on the door of her small office brought her out of her concentration and she looked up to see B’Elanna poking her head through the door. 

“Hey,” she asked softly, “you ready to go?” 

Kathryn smiled as she saved the letter to Mark with her personal files and got up from behind the desk to place a small kiss on her lover’s lips.  
“I’m all yours now…”


End file.
